I have held probably more questions than anything else in the last couple weeks. I have lots of moments of simply losing a thread, and just remembering I thought it was important a moment ago. I have had lots of thoughts and feelings that things just don’t make sense. I have had lots of questions on what is it I really want anyway? What is possible? What does empowerment even look like in this lifetime and for me in particular? I have been using the term “incohesive” to describe myself and my thoughts lately, which I find is not even a word, and that actually fits.
Thoughts / concepts come and go so very quickly right now. I get glimpses and then it moves on. There was one thought I was quite curious about earlier this afternoon. I’d like to expand that into words. So in this whole awakening to who we are, and in this whole concept of being divinity in form, the not just saying it and thinking it, but the deeper part of really knowing it and living it consciously. Like, how do we get there really? It comes in and we know it, sure. And then I have day like yesterday and I am noticing the level of my thoughts. There was a spider at the end of my bed earlier in the day and it got away before I could escort it outside, and I noticed every time I walked in the room I wondered if the spider was still under the bed. I noticed fear of a spider, and its fear of me. As I was up late last night, I noticed noises outside the house, and had the immediate thought that since Rick was gone, it might be wise to lower the blinds and not make it obvious I am home alone. I noticed fears of being alone. In these past couple weeks, I have noticed fears that Rick will no longer wish to be married to me. And I could come up with many reasons. More fears of being alone. And all I could really think as I observed them all was that being Divinity seems quite implausible at this level.
And so it is. So how do we get from here to there or there to here? How do we make the jump really? There is so much talk about it. And I feel it and know it so much of the time! And then poof – it is simply not accessible. So to step in to using the power that I am asking for, that I can see sometimes, this current vehicle (my body) simply could not hold it because I still have moments where it is completely incompatible. And I am not going to step into these levels that I can see until I can actually hold them. That makes sense to me in this moment anyway.
Today I remembered some play I did many years ago. I used to get excited when things got to this point of being so very much highlighted, both in quantity of thought, loudness of thought, and what seems logically to be so out of alignment with outer reality. I used to get excited because I noticed at that point it was finally leaving completely, whatever I had been working on letting go of. It was like the last remnants had to amplify themselves so I could see them and have a chance to change my mind if I wanted to, a last chance to see their value. Some of them in the past reminded me of a child throwing a temper tantrum to be seen. It could be powerful. It could get my attention. But then it was just done. Some of the past ones were so obviously out of alignment with the new reality that I all I could do was laugh at the tantrum. There was no power left in it at all. I haven’t had anything play out that way in a very long time, but I wondered today if that is what is happening here. Thus the excitement. That is a “Wow” thought! And I like it.
I am sure I am correct. Embodying Divinity is not possible if I hold fears. I cannot have both – at least not in the same moment. And I am calling to bring the Divinity that I AM into this body in this lifetime. So, as I so aptly see in others sometimes, what do I expect other than to get results of what I am so clearly asking for? And that which is holding me back will be clearly highlighted for me so that I can choose to let it go – or not – as I wish.
So this afternoon, I have stepped into a knew knowing. I was aided by Isis and Horus, who have both been with me a lot lately, and a ceremony offered to me from the book The Sophia Code. It was perfect for today. It was a long ceremony. It was highlighted by the fact that I set up for it with candles, flowers and crystals. One, this is something I do not usually do. And two, I had no idea until I was setting it up that I was going to do that ceremony. It evolved and opened for me. It was also highlighted because I can go for days and not receive a phone call, but today I received one after I had lit the candles but before I had started the ceremony, and I received a second phone call in the time after I had just closed the ceremony and before I could blow out the candles. It reminded me of so many time visiting sacred places that I magically had the whole space to myself as long as I needed it. This was sacred space today.
And in this moment, I only have notes I took last night of how I felt and seeing I was still stuck in fears, albeit not strong ones like they used to be. In this moment, there is no confusion on who I am, or what I want. In this moment, I think this what it feels like to be whole and complete.
Could it be that this my new platform from which to play from? Could it be that I have succeeded in dropping the last remnants of old fears? Time will tell, I am sure. But this feeling is lasting. It is not fading. And I like it. And I am noticing. And I am saying “Yes.” Yes to who I am. And yes, this is who I am.