In this space I sit in today, I wonder if I will continue to write and share this way. Maybe we are reaching the end. I feel so very different today. I will try to put words to it.
As I was exploring the space available to me after that experience a couple weeks back, I recognized, or I understood, that my knowing of my relationship with Rick had changed. At the beginning, we focused more on freedom. Freedom to come together, and freedom to part when either wanted to. That has morphed over the years as we have watched our foundations grow and learned more about the other. In this new space, I knew that I was committed to Rick fully. I was not going to wish to leave him. He could count on that. And part of it for me was knowing that my growth inspires him, he wants me to do it. So, I think I finally gave myself permission to fully grow. And in that permission to myself, there is no reason I would need to be anywhere else. This did not take away his freedom to choose to move on if that was his desire. In my mind, I don’t know where I am going, so I don’t know if he will be okay with it. I just knew, a without a doubt knowing, I could continue to step into my beingness with him.
I decided not to share that with him initially. I noticed it was new to me, but it was never anything he had wanted that I wasn’t able to give. So, I was not sure it would have meaning to him. He had lots going on his life at that moment, and I decided to just kept my focus on him. But, as we used to do when I chose not to tell him something that I saw, within 24 hours, he said something that indicated to say it. So, I did share it with him what had changed, what I knew now.
By yesterday, I was noticing I am becoming less productive. I am getting what needs to be done, done. But the things that I think I want to be doing just sit there. And I feel like I am missing something. Yesterday I had a wonderful chat and Reiki session, along with a haircut. It was suggested that it may be time for me to get more assistance with mundane tasks to allow me to play in these higher and higher spaces that are now available.
This morning I played in a space where I was looking again at how to bring through from my sleep space into this waking space. I had a new concept I was playing with where I felt like if I could open this E-mail that was in front of me, then maybe I could read it out loud and capture the information that way. I saw in the space it was a permission slip. And I am okay with that. I did a check from that space and felt I would be able to hold the space while I opened my eyes to turn a recorder on. I knew I didn’t have one available, so it wasn’t about capturing that one, but it felt like something to try.
I shared with Rick, and he saw with technology how he could set something up for me that I could use voice command to turn the recorder on. That feels even better. So, we shall try. In this conversation, we were deep in a vortex about possibilities here or something else, I don’t remember all of it, but the doorbell rang. I knew it was the gardener. And our landlord was here and we heard him answer the door. 15 minutes later he rang again, and the landlord was there to answer again, but I asked Rick to go just touch base with them.
I normally do my touch base with everyone, but I had not this morning. When he came back, I noticed from that experience that I had not wanted to move physically to go deal with that, even though normally I would. I wanted to stay in the space we were working in. Oh, so more of what I had played with in the morning and was starting to share with Rick was actually seeing my structures in where I am holding myself back. What I see is that I have always been capable and independent. What I have been noticing lately, say with our new computers Rick has just set up, is that I am struggling a bit with letting go of being able to do everything. I am not comfortable with becoming dependent on him.
In this space of the doorbell, I noticed what I had wanted the first time was for him to go take care of that for me – so that it got done and so that I didn’t have to move. I am not good at asking others to do things for me. It did not cross my mind really. But in the second opportunity, I was able to get the thought across. And I was able to tell him about it when he returned, and take it to the next step. I feel that I am holding myself back because of the way I have set up my structures to be there for him. And I recognized earlier this morning, as I saw this structure, that I simply needed to speak to him about it and see what was really of value to him, and what was me holding back out of habit. And we could reset it then based on what we both saw.
Eventually, I shared the fear of becoming more dependent on him so that I can have the space to play in these places that are not so practical. We have always agreed on partnership. It has been working beautifully. To me, partnership has been we are both capable independently, but we choose to work together to take each other forward. This to me, this current desire in me felt I would be taking a step back from that to be able to explore I don’t know what really. The doorbell experience was really a good example for me to point to. When I felt I had said enough to get the conversation started around it, I just asked him how that would feel to him if I allowed myself to depend on him. He said he would feel even more of value in our relationship. Do I need to say that was very powerful for both of us?
So, we are on another new track. I have watched him go through some major changes in the last couple weeks really. I feel like we are ready for this next step. I feel a bit vulnerable in really letting go of these structures that have held me so safely in this world, in this body. It is very unfamiliar to my being to allow, no, really to depend on someone to take care of things for me.
And, I feel really excited about the possibilities now. This is not new. Nor is the excitement and joy that run through my body. That has been increasing, not in volume, but in amount of time that I am just aware it is there.
On a practical level, things have just changed (surprise, surprise) in our home here such that we can play with inviting someone who wants to come to Glastonbury, or wants to spend some time with us, to have a place to stay with us, rent-free, but who would like to pick up some of the everyday tasks such as grocery shopping and fixing food.