The looking back at an experience is a wonderful thing.
I know that I hold perfection and ease, and flow, and joyous and effortless accomplishment. I know I am creating this very tangibly. It was once pointed out to me that although these focal points are desirable, many will have a difficulty to move away from the belief that significant effort is required to change. So how am I doing with my own intention?
When I look back today at the Kundalini Yoga experience, I feel deep-seated joy and appreciation … for myself … for my accomplishment – as observed by my reaction. My choice in reaction was to step back and reconsider possibilities. What would I like to do now? That is such a big question really. I see in that initial space was many opportunities to simply look at how to move forward, how to accomplish that particular goal I had set. I see the strength in my physicality. I see the strength in my determination. I can see it through. I also could see the doubts and the challenging myself in considering stepping back, like that was automatically equated to not getting what I wanted. There was: What if I miss out on something? What if the next step is the “big” success? What if someone is disappointed in me? What if someone no longer wants to work with me? What if that is the only way forward? What if this means I failed? Where had “strength” was “I can do this,” and what caused the doubt was considering stepping into a new space.
It is easy to see what I would do if I was not playing consciously. I would keep making the same choices I have always made – being general here. There are so very many threads of holding ourselves back that are so very deeply built into our thoughts. And … it has become so very simple to start to take them apart. It is my natural reaction now. It takes no effort or thought really. But after the choice to step back and look at the bigger picture, then it does take noticing my thoughts and noticing which ones feel helpful.
And then, when I can step out of all the thoughts, and just look at the stepping back, then I can see what is newly available from this new vantage point. In this particular case, I see I was trying to make something work that I had set in motion five years ago, and it simply does not fit my life anyway. And the pieces that I do want from it yet, what it has led me to, are very much available from other paths. Of course!
In addition to the simplicity, I also see how also that the old familiar way of dealing with such things creates additional difficulties. I really would have needed to apply a certain endurance to keep working in that format. And that particular energy involves the engagement of a set of energies which are more aligned with the problem, and a response to the problem, than to a clean resolution, a clean path as to where I wish to go.
I feel immense appreciation in being in a physical body now and having the opportunities to actually do what I say I want to do. I do act, think, and feel different from what I used to. There is tangible change. And it is great fun!
I do love creating what I want. I do love knowing I am fully capable of creating the experiences that I want. And I do appreciate the experiences where I get to test where I am and see my own mastery … and to learn more, of course. Even mastery does not have limitations. There is always more.
Another observation I have today is that the feeling I had in my body that was highlighted a bit by the practice, and then highlighted further by putting my attention on it directly to look at it (engage in it!), is still present. It is pretty light. It is more in my head than my core. But I really do feel that if I put attention on it in the way I did Monday, even without the yoga movement, that I could be fully ill again in a short amount of time. I feel no need to prove that to myself. But it has highlighted that particular energy within me so I am much more aware of it now.
From this level of observation, I can be aware of that space and, well, here I do not have great words. I can bridge, say, well-being into that space by holding the two. I do feel like I know what to do with it now. I have past experience and success to draw from. But I do not have words to put around the knowing really. I do not think the mechanics are all of it. And even though it is similar, it is such a fluid space that words feel too limiting to be of value. But I am in a new sense of capable, competent, and certain.
And I am not implying that I know what this energy is – nor to say good or bad. I just know it is not currently in balance and harmony with me. Maybe it is just a normal part of stepping up into these new energies that I am invoking. I have noticed that when I invoke change, as I just did recently again, things do move and shift and change.
A final piece for today involves well-being. Many years ago, I played with a concept of neutral. I became quite adept at going no lower energetically than neutral. Well, let us say that prior to that decision, my best friends were often doubt, confusion, and anxiety/worry. What I found was if I could hold neutral instead, then many more possibilities opened for me. And it felt better. And I got back to feeling good much quicker. Lately, I have been watching myself in several different circumstances, and I have use the word neutral yet, but I have been aware this does not feel accurate any longer.
In looking at well-being now, I have had moments of a particular flavor of well-being. It is enlivening, enhancing, creative. It feels ever so powerful and clear and knowing. That has become my goal for my walking around space. But I see there is another flavor of well-being. In some ways, yes, we all know there are many. It is a wide spectrum. But I saw it in a new way. There is flavor of well-being that aids with letting go, with releasing. It is more restful and relaxing, peaceful.
While there is a part of me yet that wishes to challenge myself, and a part that wants me to prove it first, what I observe myself doing is simply taking on a new belief with this new insight. Those spaces where I have been using the work neutral recently and it has not felt quite accurate, I simply choose to say that I see I no longer need to drop into neutral to hold my space. I am capable of playing now in different aspects of well-being, but I do not drop out of well-being any more.
This gives me a very stable platform to go for this new level of well-being. And I have even spoken of it, since Monday, as the space I wish to create from. That is the creative well-being as I see it now. But with this new insight, I can now value the releasing / letting go well-being as well. For as we ascend, as we change our consciousness, there is more to let go of. Imbalances that we could once work around now need to dissolve and be let go of. And we can do it all from well-being.