I started the 5 Tibetans today. I allowed myself to just spin, not being careful or going slowly. I did 18 spins and then stopped and sat down. I watched and felt the world spin, as I imagined it did when I was little. Then I did child’s pose and then moved on to the next exercise. I started to feel a little ill.
I think I will skip the rest of the details. Basically, I got more ill. I went into a motion sickness feeling, or a sick to my stomach feeling. I got close once to vomiting, but I couldn’t bring it up. Rick worked with me on the transformational breathing for a while. We have talked about doing a session, so now we have started.
In the ickiness of the feeling really sick, I was looking at life. Recently, I have watched my left shoulder freeze. In the freezing part, I could feel it contracting in, getting smaller, and pain if I forget and tried to move it. With this feeling of pain / sickness, I could feel the desire to not do the things that trigger this feeling, a drawing in, contracting from life. And I could hear friends and family talk about disabling pain that curtailed their lives in some way. We can get so small in what we are “allowed” to do. It felt a bit hopeless.
With the shoulder, I know I will be getting my full mobility back. It is going through what it is going through, but there is no question of it staying this way. For one, my right shoulder did this about 10 years ago, and that is great now. But with the motion sickness, it is different. From this viewpoint, I don’t know that it matters if can spin around or not. It is not like a shoulder where I notice all day long what is now difficult or not possible. So, from the comparison to the shoulder, I wondered if I “should” find my way through it. I “should” not accept limitations. But then I was also shown the analogy of putting my finger in an electrical socket. That would cause pain. And if I decided that was not acceptable and I needed to keep doing it to get past the pain, I would spend my whole life inflicting pain on myself and not achieve anything. Focusing on something that brings pain will affect what else I can be focusing on and bringing in.
It is 4:00. I was in bed until 2:30 or 3:00. I am able to sit up now, but no desire to do anything yet. I am way past the feeling ill part. I think most of the sleep space was a space of rejuvenation. There were waves of motion sickness through it, but I was shown (true or not, I do not know), but the possibility was shown that in that sleep space, we were working on how to get past this, how to restructure, and testing different things. I watched something similar years ago when I was trying to communicate something and kept failing, and eventually I noticed in a one-day time span, I had taken a nap after every attempt and tried something new when I woke. It was like I gone into the sleep space to regroup and get new ideas when what I was trying didn’t work. I was shown this space today was similar – working on it from the other side. I notice I say it that way – I was shown – because it does not fall into my sense of knowing, yet I saw that as a possibility. And I am writing it, because in this moment, I like that story and would like to remember it.
In the space of feeling ill, I saw the different analogies of the shoulder or the light socket. How do I know what this pain is? If I can break through it, is that of value to myself or others? Is it of value if I do it sooner rather than later? Here, I notice I am thinking from an expanded viewpoint that when we can successfully bring in new ways of doing things for ourselves, we open the possibilities for others to just step in and do the same. So, I was hearing the question, but if you can do it, shouldn’t you do it “as service to others?” Yet, even in that moment of questioning, I knew I did not want to create for our future (the new world we are creating) by having to go through pain to get there. That is just wrong. It is not the bringing of pain that creates harmony the harmony we desire. Not a lot of answers in that space.
Upon waking, and being in a clearer space, not good yet, but not so ill that all I can do is breath. I can actually sit up now. In this space, I hear Abraham-Hicks and Bashar. I hear “follow your highest passion.” I know, this is a knowing, I know the answer to my bigger question within all this is to know what I want. Set my intention. Hold that knowing, no matter what reality shows. Like with my shoulder. Reality shows it is frozen. My knowing (from the beginning) is that it is temporary. It is okay it needs to go through this. I will honor it, support it, nurture it. I will not believe it needs to be this way and I need to learn how to live with the limitations it is now presenting me with. We will get through it together. Maybe I will create a story what it is about and maybe I will not.
The only thought / concept I have so far that makes any sense to me about the motion sickness is it has to do with aspects of me that are readily connected to the Earth, and other aspects of me that cannot yet cope with actually going there. It is a different dimensional plane. I am okay with this story. One of the pieces I didn’t get in writing yet is in the last few days, I have amped up my intensity, my invocation to Sanat Kumara, to holding the vibrations of Shambala, and to communicating fully with the Earth, as the Earth. From that viewpoint, maybe it should be no surprise at all the intensity of the sickness today.
It is what I want to open these spaces for myself. I understand that will start to open these spaces for others, and that is great, but that is not my concern. This is for me. This feels right. This feels possible. And it feels potent, and ripe with possibilities. So, it is not about bringing on the pain. It is not about doing things to open that space of illness up. It is about keeping my focus on what I want. When that does bring up the sickness again, when I do not see the way through it, it is remembering that part is not my concern. It is my job to hold in my beingness what I want – in this case, personal connection to the Earth, within my normal context of ease, perfection, grace, harmony, beauty, and precision. I like me. I like what I am creating. I like seeing how to do it.
It is not about resisting the pain. It is not about thinking I did something wrong if the illness comes back. It feels like it can be comparable to the shoulder space – honor, support and nurture it. Take care of me through it if I trigger it. But not make that the path. Not get diverted from what I do want. I do not want to heal that pain, or fix it, or get around it. I want to increase my ability to attune to the vibration Sanat Kumara is offering to me. I want to be able to hold and emanate Shambala on the surface of the planet … so it is available, tangible, and able to be absorbed by all.
This is helpful clarity and will filter into our life review and perhaps our personal retreat space here in Sedona.