Last night I could not seem to fall asleep. My body was uncomfortable, but not in a particular place. Something was restless in me. I was not able to focus to look for it. I was not able to focus to play with any of my energetic tools that I like to end my night on. Eventually I got up. I looked at the moon. I was pleased to know it is in its disseminating phase, giving out that which has come to completion. I thought about going out to sit or lie under the moon, but it seemed too much work as my eyes wanted to stay shut. I decided to lie down as I do during the day for a power nap or for an energy reset or work. I laid on my back and put a pillow under my knees. There must be an state, a vibrational state, an allowing state, an expectant state, something that I go into from that intent, from that ritual.

I immediately was aware of a vibration within me. As I brought my attention to it, it had a shape. It was long and skinny, like a spine, but more diameter than what I would picture being just the bones of the spine. I do not remember it being my spine or in my spine, just that it had a shape as I was bringing attention to it, recognizing it was not my whole body in movement. I am guessing this is connected to the restlessness that I felt earlier. Changing my state of being, where I was looking from, changed what I could see and experience of it.

I choose to observe the vibration within me. As I kept attention on it, the vibration, the movement increased. It did not increase in size. It increased in intensity. It started to shake. As it did so, I started to see, blurry, coming in and out of sight, something much larger that that spinal area. I have been coloring lately and there are often butterflies. Think of the spine area being like the body of a butterfly, and this new piece I could see as the wings. As I say that, I notice I could not feel the bigger part, just see it partially. I did not feel that was part of me.

As I watched and felt the vibration, I was reminded of cleaning some green bugs off my fresh lettuce earlier in the day, and swishing the salt water the leaves were sitting in to separate them. As I watched, it looked like the vibration was intensifying to shake off this larger piece.

In looking back, I remember I intended to share yesterday that I was able to bring attention to a belief I still hold that has to do with not believing or not seeing or not knowing that I bring value to those around me. There is still traces of believing I do not matter. I am playing in an Astrology Summit this weekend, focusing on Power and Purpose, and the first two talks suggested listening to what my inner critical voice says to understand where my own limitations are. And I saw this piece within me. It feels very different than it used to when I would uncover stuff. I just saw it, held it, with the same detachment I can hold a sacred space for any of my friends or family. I do not use the word compassion very often, but it may be appropriate here.

I remember seeing something yesterday and enveloping it in a soft pink light. It may have been that, but I do not remember.

I wonder if the restlessness that I “shook off” last night was remnants of this “not mattering” that finally was seen.

In looking back further, I am aware that I wanted to share an experience from two days back. I found myself in a new state of being. Once again, these words will not sound different, but I was so aware the feeling, the depth was new. I was a different being. The experience of the world changed. The filter changed. It is what I have been creating, have been living in partially, but something shifted. I look at how I have been creating with Rick. I have heard myself say so many times that I love what we are creating. I had an experience with a girlfriend and felt that same level of depth, happiness, in the conversations we are starting to have and what I feel can be created.

I think we have all heard that for a long time now. Follow your joy. Follow what highlights for you. Follow what really makes you happy. And I got that at one level. I know I did. I see the results of my creations in the last five years and I am pleased with myself. And yet this, I know this is a new level I have achieved. I know things will never be the same. Best words I have in the moment is instead of it being a choice and I have to be aware I am in a place where I can choose to see and discern what is my joy or what highlights or what I think I want, I am now living the space of knowing what I want. I am living the space of being this depth of happiness, of content. I am the purpose and the meaning.

If someone was speaking to me, I know I would remind them. So, I remind myself. It makes sense. It is my experience, that when we step into a new vibration, into a new flow or a new rhythm, or a new way of being, old stuff will come up to be released. There will be pieces, old baggage, that can no longer hold on to the new level of being that you are. It’s okay if we don’t see it, but if we do, it is coming up to be acknowledged. I think if we can acknowledge it, just see it, then it can transmute or leave. If we do not, I am guessing this is where I have gotten stuck in the past. Not quite able to move forward fluidly into the new being because I have not let go of the old one.

I am okay moving faster now. I have given permission several times recently to accelerate – in joy, perfection, and ease.