I have been ill for the last 5 days. Maybe. It hit fast, a couple coughs Monday night and Tuesday I woke with a “heavy” head and chest, and I was cold. About 10 am I went to take a nap to get warmed up and I believe I slept on and off until Wednesday morning.
In the first couple days, that recent pain I had in my right hip came back. It hurt to move. It hurt to cough. I played with whatever tools I chose, and the pain went away.
A day or two after, it started to come back. And I started to question it. I questioned the source. I questioned if it mattered. I questioned if I was willing to change it regardless. My questions brought me back to a story I was told when I was in my twenties. I had a hernia on the right groin area. Regular docs said nothing needed to be done and come back if there was pain. An energy worker (Barbara Brennan school) could see it. She was going to stitch it up energetically, but “was not allowed to. It was the spot within me that held the tear, the separation, between the masculine and the feminine. There was a golden thread holding it as it was and it was not going to get worse. The golden thread was the Divine Feminine holding her power, her voice.” Funny the thoughts that come up when I ask a question. I haven’t seen the hernia in years. But maybe that was causing the pain.
I decided that was an old story. I am in my 50’s now. So, no desire to go back and see if any of that has meaning to me now. I am a different person. I decided to connect to the chakra below my feet. I choose to attune to Sanat Kumara. I questioned if I connected. I remembered several times I had been thinking about a particular being and the next time we did a channeling I was told they were available to me because I had invoked them. I used that memory to conclude I had indeed invoked Sanat Kumara. Normally I feel Sanat Kumara as a he, maybe because of a book I read. But then I remembered a session where we were discussing Sanat Kumara and I could feel this being in it’s connection or holding of the space for Gaia, very deeply, sacredly feminine. So I thought there was no reason whatever was “wrong” in that space needed to be there. I chose to invoke and tap into the blueprint of the perfected human body. I breathed this perfection in while attuned to Sanat Kumara. I did it from that lower chakra, I call the earth star. And I breathed it in slowly, to each chakra. Later I played with attuning to that energy and breathing it into my hips.
The hip pain has not come back (only been a couple days) no matter how deep the cough.
I had a couple really deep coughs early on. I thought my throat would get raw. I remember being happy with the cough when there was flem to cough up, happy to assist the body in getting rid of it, but thought not necessary to practice until then. The deep coughs stopped.
Wednesday I was awake all day, and ate a little. In the attention I had around my hips, I remembered that I hold a constant tension across that whole line of my body. I had worked years ago on that, and had softened it significantly. Even though it just feels normal, familiar, I know I still hold tension there. I decided it is time to change that also. I never sit with my legs straight and my feet flat on the floor, everything relaxed and open. Upper body is more open, hips and below more tension. So I played all day with constantly straightening my body and setting the intention that can now begin to relax. Consciously infusing into my body, “All is okay.” I don’t think I am able to hold it for a second after I lose conscious thought of shifting it. Every time I looked, I was crossed or intertwined, or on my toes, or even on the sides of my feet. But it was really fun to have a goal to allow the body a new choice.
Thursday I took a shower in the morning, and that put my body into shock. After I was able to move again, I just went back to bed. I noticed that all my intentions to connect to well-being, to run the higher frequencies through my body felt mental, or dead. There was no experience with it, and I kept losing mental focus, so I found myself using a Mastering Alchemy tool I have not used in years. Ahyah Asure Ahyah. (No clue if that is spelled right.) I repeated the mantra in my head. I knew there were other ones, but I had no connection to them. So I spent the day in and out of sleep and when I was awake, I brought myself back to the mantra.
In those first couple days, I was also questioning if to eat. Do I wait until I’m hungry? Is this weakness due to lack of food? Why do I believe I am weak?? So I also spent a lot of time connecting with my physical body and giving it permission to draw all the strength it needs from my constant breathing in the light / well-being / higher vibration / conscious breathing. I gave permission, sort of, for it to access what it needed for the physical from the energetic. My thought was in this state it might be easier for the body this way currently. I also made it very clear that I was happy to feed it anything it wanted, I just needed to see what and feel a bit hungry. I saw I wanted a raw cabbage salad. (By the next day I had one.)
Other than the muscular pain from the hip at the beginning, I have not have real discomfort in all this time. I have had a fever every night. One night it was really interesting to watch. It was like there was a certain temperature I needed to be at. It could only be achieved if neck down was under the covers. If I laid still, I would get up to temperature. If I moved, the air moved, I could feel it a bit cooler, and I could feel the wave of energy go through me, and I could hear it too. Like the boiler kicking in. It was so precise.
During this play with temperature, a second mantra came to me. El Shaddai. And I invoked the El Shaddai during this time. I am not sure I mentally remembered then that is the fire element, but it makes perfect sense in the look back why that was so precise.
Rick is going through much the same thing concurrently. He commented yesterday how this illness has given him the chance to really be in stillness. I understood that. There is slowness in everything. It is still(er). And, in the same instant that I knew that same stillness he was pointing to, I saw I had a parallel ability to see another layer of noise. It has become irritating. It wouldn’t go away. It was a song, or it was a story repeating (that had no meaning). I had started the mantras to be able to turn them off.
As I was looking at it, I realized that I have, maybe unconsciously, believed that when meditating, you can play in the different layers of thought to no-thought, or different layers of stillness. But, in walking around space, there will always be thought. I have linked the mental body / thought to running the physical show down here. In that moment, I saw a different choice. The seed was planted. It feels uncomfortable to state I am allowing the mental body to step down fully now from that role. But wow, that was my first sight / feel / knowing of that as a possibility. So I do not expect it to be at fruition stage yet. But I know I acknowledged it. I know I saw it.
And today I chose not to go to my Astrology class because I still had a fever through the night and believed I am contagious yet and for anything to be in my body this long has to be a powerful. Even though I have felt okay through it, I would not wish to pass it on.
In the morning I went to go set a couple things up for them, and found a couple physical things that needed to be done, and I had to go up and down two flights of stairs a couple times, and my feeling okay started to go. I didn’t let it. I saw. I understood. I supported it, acknowledged it, with my thoughts. I started to see my body was being very precise in how it used the energy available. I could feel my hands getting weak because I was standing. I thought of the dolphin who sleeps one hemisphere at a time, and I saw the brilliance of my physical body helping me take care of what I felt was important. It is a brilliant, honored team member and I have continued to take great care physically of it, including consciously breathing strength into it when I felt it go weak, instead of following the feeling ill scenario it was heading towards.
I had a great day today. Yes, I needed a nap, and I only got to partially join my class remotely (thank you to Rick for making that possible!!), but I started questioning, no, not questioning. I found myself thinking “transcendence” instead of “illness” when I was referring to this current experience. I do not know within me anymore if I am ill. I recognize that. I have decided to not join class again tomorrow since I feel like I still have a fever tonight, and that symptoms I have would still be considered illness by anyone else. But I also see I am not deciding to go back to believing I am ill. I am more … and as I look for words, up comes that very, very familiar energy that puts such a smile on my face. I am happy. I am pleased with myself. Well-being is in me, through me, around me, bubbling up out of me.
Love the bubbling well-being! 🙂 I find it fascinating to experience illness as an opportunity to explore from different viewpoints not normally available. It transforms the experience into taking advantage of an opportunity instead of struggling through suffering. I am understanding my own body much better from this current illness than ever before. Very much appreciate your positive attitude, example and influence dear Marybeth! 🙂